(apologies to SNL)
Thursday, in Press room:
T***p: Thank you all for coming to this momentous and historic, but also ominous and terrible, briefing on what happened to the tapes.
But, first, I want to, again, thank the American people for your overwhelming support of my presidency in spite of these [pointing around room] hateful and fake-news peddling vultures. From the very beginning of my first term, when I got the greatest attendance and viewership of an inauguration in history, I have enjoyed the admiration and confidence you, my wonderful people, have bestowed on me. Trust me, I will never let you down. Never, ever.
Also, I want to confirm that I am not under investigation. I know this because a president can never be investigated while he is in office. Newt told you this, and my closest advisers all agreed. Besides, yesterday, I stepped down as president for one hour to allow Mike ... Mike Pence, the vice-president, become president. In his first official act, he pardoned and exonerated me from any and all alleged wrongdoing I may have ever done, is currently accused of, and may do in the future. Then, after toasting this momentous accomplishment, which, of course, is memorialized in an Executive Order, I again took the reins of office. I thank Mike for his forgiving religious zeal and mindless naivety.
Now, as for the tapes ... I almost forgot to thank my lovely wife, Melania, for agreeing to move back in with me, pursuant to the pre-nup, and to Jare, who has been, and will be, sent to the Middle East as a willing and available sacrifice to Muslim extremists if he is unable to effect a lasting peace there. I also must thank my other children for their efforts in maintaining my 'ugely successful empire, although, if I were still at the helm instead of cooped up in the White House, I would have doubled it's value by now.
Finally, my thanks to the wonderful, wonderful job the Senate and House Republicans are doing in getting the failed Obamacare repealed and in replacing it with the mean ... I mean, the fair, expansive, all-inclusive and truly affordable health care bill. I know their combined efforts will produce results that all Americans can be proud of.
Again, except for the people in attendance, I thank you for watching and look forward to three more years of unprecedented accomplishments toward making America truly great again.
[T***p steps away from the podium.]
Reporter: Mr. President, sir. What about the tapes? You were going to tell us about the tapes.
[T***p stops at the door, mumbles something to Sean Spicer, then leaves.]
[Spicer at the podium.]
Spicer*: [add what you think Spicer would say about what T***p told him]
That's all for today. Thank you.
*Original text given here is listed under PUBLIC DISCUSSION.